Life goes on

I'd like to say normal service has resumed and money is flowing again but I can't and the uncertainty of it all is starting to grate on us now. Having said that I'm not letting it throw me off track because lets face it eating junk in excessive amounts will only add to my problems.

Rather wonderfully my husband has decided to sign up to weight watchers online again meaning I've found it so easy to stay on track so far this week.  I just love those weeks where it feels so damn easy I wonder why I even have a weight problem in the first place! I hope this feeling lasts a while as I still have my sights set on 50lbs (in total) off by Christmas.

On another note its my little boys birthday next Sunday I can't believe he's 3 already! Where has the time gone?! It reminds me how quickly these times will slip by and why its exactly the reason I need to be slim and more importantly, healthy for them. I want them to remember me being active and joining in not the unhappy mummy who sat on the sidelines too unfit or scared to join in. I will be making him a birthday cake this week so may be using some of next weeks weeklies on cake!! If it turns out how I'd like I may even post pictures but don't hold your breath lol!

So here's to a fabulous week and a good result on the scales, if the week could include hubby finding another contract then even better! Xx

Lacking enthusiasm today

I think pmt + stress about money + it being a miserable day + a comment from husband about me being 'pissy' = me feeling a little down this morning.

I don't know why one comment can throw me into such a rubbish mood, I guess I felt it was a little unfair as I didn't feel like I'd been off this morning then I end up doubting myself. Maybe I have, maybe I snapped about something, who knows.

I guess on reflection its not an easy time for my husband, he's the sole earner and its down to him to find a new job to support our little family. The pressure must be difficult and I know he gets down if he doesn't feel like he's making progress as he ends up feeling like he's failed us. Plus he's got a meeting with a lawyer today to discuss whether we have a case to claim back the outstanding invoice. It's hardly surprising were both feeling a little down right now when I write it all down and in fact I think we've been rather calm given the uncertainty at the moment.

Luckily I'm still in control around food which I'm quite pleased about because around this time of the month I do struggle with the urge to overeat at times. It proves to me that even when things are stressful I can deal with the problem rather than numbing my feelings with food. I'm also quite proud of how much I've cooked the last week instead of eating out or ordering in.

On another note my In Laws came round yesterday and bought us an Anniversary present which happened to be a MASSIVE box of Thornton's chocolates. We opened them at lunch and I had just one. After they left I'm afraid the rest of them ended up in the bin which I felt a little guilty about but we decided it was for the best given they are about 2 points per chocolate yikes! I just know I'd have picked at them if they were sat around and as they'd been opened its not like I could keep them for a present or something. So the chocolates went bye bye and I felt much better for it. I guess I've got to prepare myself for these kind of presents with Christmas coming up. I just don't want to feel obliged to eat something just because I received it as a present, especially when the giver knows I'm losing weight!

So I started this post this morning and just finished it. In-between I've managed to find my enthusiasm. I've weighed out all the ingredients to make cakes with my 3 year old and done the housework that needed doing. I've had a little time to reflect and feel much better. I think writing it all down really does help me put in perspective. After all Everything passes...

Weigh in 13!

3.5lb off!! Whoop Whoop! So happy and all that worrying for nothing! I also got my 10% today too!

I had another little binge today so decided to draw a line and start afresh tomorrow especially after losing when I thought I deserved to gain after my behaviour the last two days!

Hoping for another good week x

Drawing my line

So I gave in to the emotional eating/being really hungry and out of points tonight. I ended up having a binge which included 2 mushrooms & Philadelphia tortillas wraps, 2 packets of quavers, a weight watchers cheesecake which just didn't hit the spot so ended up having a regular mini cheesecake! A few points over me thinks and the night before weigh in too. Just frustrating!

I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself this has been a very stressful week and I am still learning how to control my urge to eat for emotional reasons. What I am going to do is draw a line under it and move on. Weigh in is just another step on the way regardless of whether its a small step backwards or not. I'm still eating better and I'm more in control around food than I was 13 weeks ago.

I'm going to the gym in the morning in an attempt to turn things around and not let this spiral into more than a one off binge.

Lets hope the scales are in an understanding mood tomorrow! In a way at least the uncertainty has been removed, if I don't gain then fan-bloomin-tastic!!!

I am not a failure and I can succeed even with set backs along the way!!!!!!!

Worrying

I felt a little emotional last night and had the urge to binge or rather not feel restricted. I ended up using most of what was left of my weekly points which has had me worrying since that I won't lose again at weigh in tomorrow.

I think deep down I still have this belief that I will fail so even though I'm within my points allowance for the week I'm still fretting about whether the scales will move the right way tomorrow. I know its silly really one meal can't wreck an entire week of sticking to points, let alone a pointed meal!!

The stress of the money situation is getting to me a little I think. I'm trying not to dwell on things but the uncertainty of it all plays on my mind.

I'm just keeping my fingers crossed for weigh in tomorrow. I feel like alot is riding on it this week as I just know not losing or gaining would demoralise me. I certainly wouldn't let it throw me off track but it would be annoying! Just want it to be time for weigh in so I can get it over and done with and hopefully make some progress on this bloomin' journey!

Sometimes...

.. I feel that I can't possibly lose weight given the amount I'm eating and the amount I eat out still!

As I've mentioned already we've had a bit of stress over my Husband's work and outstanding invoices, meh I hate money worries. So being two responsible adults with two young children obviously we decided the best course of action was to eat out ALOT cause wasting money on eating out will help right? lol!

I think we just decided we needed to just get on with things because as my new mantra states 'everything passes' so why worry ourselves now when the situation is very much under control. I have every faith that my husband will be able to find another contract in the next two weeks.

Anyway I digress, my point is I have a small amount of guilt over the amount we've eaten out from the weight loss point of view. I still can't see how I can lose weight while not depriving myself, its so programmed in its taking a while to get my head round it! I've even managed to stay within my daily points after eating out for breakfast and getting Wagamamas takeout for dinner! Feels truly naughty but I know I'm well within my points and have been honest in my tracking. I feel I've made good choices so I'm still hoping for a loss this week.

Operation back to basics is still going well I think. I've done well on the tracking front and done a fair amount of activity with walking and swimming this morning, its just the eating out bit I've not really managed to reduce after the last two days. I'm not too worried as family meals out and enjoying the weekend are fine in my opinion its mainly the takeaways during the week instead of cooking that I feel we need to reduce to a very occasional thing.

I'm still on track for a loss especially because I'm hoping to get through the next two days just using daily points. I really hope I lose this week because I feel like another bad weigh in would not be good for my morale! Do you hear that Weight watcher gods??!

Fingers crossed for a good two days and a movement on the scales in the right direction!

Operation Back to Basics...

Mission Update: 

- 2 days on track using just 1 weekly point

- went to the gym yesterday and completed run 2 of week 2 from the couch to 5k programme

- ate out at Yo Sushi today and still under my daily points 

- I've weighed, measured and tracked everything! 

- I've made better choices lots of fruit, vegetables and filling foods, alot less empty snacks

All in all I've had 2 fantastic days which I'm proud of considering we've been having a bit of a stressful time with my husbands business and his main customer refusing to pay his last invoice! Really not nice having the uncertainty of money hanging over us, we've been through bankruptcy and back again and I really don't ever want to see rock bottom again. Of course having been there I know life goes on regardless and money is not the be all and end all its just frustrating. I'm just glad I've held it together on the food front, even turned down the offer of takeaway last night opting to stick with my ww pizza and jacket potato. 

So glad to be getting back to basics and in control again, lets hope it can continue until weigh in! x

Bad weigh in

I gained 2lbs and I'm not happy about it but its done and nothing I can do to change that. What I can do is change what I'm doing this week.

My aims to have a good week include:

1) Exercise - I want to go to the gym at least 3 times this week and if possible I'd like to complete week 2 of the couch to 5K and move on to week 3. It would be good if I could complete a couple of exercise dvd's at home too plus walk as much as possible.
2) Back to basics - I need to weigh, measure and track EVERYTHING! I have got a little complacent guessing the weight of things and guessing/missing tracking milk in tea and so on.
3) Reduce empty snacks - I waste points on snacks that provide no nutritional value and do not fill me up. I know sometimes I need a treat which is fine but I need to cut out the ones that aren't needed.
4) Less eating out - eating out puts pressure on me always having to think what the best choice is and generally the food is higher points. Again its guesswork sometimes with the points content, so my hubby had agreed we will eat out less this week. Good for my weight loss and very good for our bank balance.
5) Healthy filling food in the house - we have so little in the house, I need to stock up on fruit and filling low point food..

What I am not going to do is let a small gain throw me off track. I will not be dwelling on it or letting myself get too frustrated by it as this is unhelpful.

I'm glad I stayed for the meeting though as my leader spoke to two members of the group who are at/nearly at goal. One member has lost 108lbs and the other has lost 117lbs! It made me realise that I may feel like I'm in a minority with the amount I have to lose but in reality I'm not. There are other people who have been where I am and lost the weight. It was just one more reminder that it's not some impossible task!

I think part of me is still waiting for the day I 'fail' and another gain just made me worry that this is the beginning of me failing. I just don't want to start messing about with the same half a stone until I finally give up. I guess I need to remember that my past failures do not mean I can't succeed now.

One day at a time and here's hoping for a fantastic week!

I wonder...

... whether I can lose when using all of my weekly points if not a few over? My husband has just gone out to get pizza which I have fully counted but it uses the last of my weekly points plus a few of my activity points too. It makes me wonder if I can push the limits of my points and still lose weight. Guess I'll find out at weigh in on Wednesday.

I've not eaten it yet though so I'm not sure I'll even eat all of what I ordered but counted it all so I have the choice. It was a toss up between saying no and feeling restricted or going a few points over to allow me to have a little of what I fancy. I made good choices though going for a small veggie supreme on an Italian base, its a big improvement from what we would have ordered pre-weight watchers! I still feel a little dubious about it, not guilty but just unsure how its going to affect my weigh in. Add that to my big loss last week I really won't have much in the way of expectations when going to weigh in so I don't leave feeling disappointed.

I'll be going to the gym in the morning with any luck, just depends on how I feel as still have a lingering cough from the cold we all got but if I do then I'll hopefully blast a bit of what I ate tonight. So who knows, I will just have to wait and see what happens but keeping my fingers crossed. Either way I know the result won't put me off continuing it will just be one more weigh in on the way to goal and I'll learn from it hopefully finding out where my limits are.

Update: The pizza was lovely, best pizza I've had in a long time. I asked for less cheese too reduced my points a bit further. I really can't get over how nice it was to have a pizza that wasn't greasy or made me feel like rubbish after eating it! So I ended up a little into my activity points and going to try to have a day on just my daily points today. I love weight watchers because I don't feel like I have to say no, not feeling restricted is the key for me. Lets hope I can still manage a loss on the scales tomorrow x

How did my points evaporate?

Today has been one of those days where I haven't snacked a great deal but due to eating out my meals have been higher points. It feels like my points just evaporated today and I'm into my weekly points. I'd like to have the next 2 days just sticking to my daily points as I really really want to lose at least 1lb this week to get my 10%. If I could lose 1.5lbs that would put me into the 18's which would be awesome!

Its been a difficult week as my husband has been ill so had to do alot of the childcare by myself, I'm proud of myself for not turning to food for comfort in the more difficult moments this week. I do feel like I'm learning new ways of coping and new habits. Food feels more like a fuel to me, I'm making food choices based on what is low points but filling. I find myself choosing protein more and not wanting to 'waste' points on things like chips. I've also found my appetite has reduced and I'm satisfied with smaller meals. Its just nice to be noticing all the changes in my attitude and my relationship with food, long may in continue!

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for weigh in on Wednesday.

My night out

I went to the theatre last night to see Dirty Dancing which was really good. I was watching the dancing and it reminded me that despite my complete lack of coordination I've always loved the idea of being able to dance. I'd love to take dance lessons like salsa or ballroom dancing classes but at my size I just don't have the confidence for it right now. I have a few things on my to do list when at goal (or well on way at least). Don't get me wrong I don't believe that when I reach goal my life will be perfect and losing weight is the magic fix all but my goodness it holds me back. So I left the theatre feeling good but with a twinge of sadness because it had reminded me that I've missed out on so much enjoyment in the last 6 years purely because I didn't have to confidence to be myself and try new things.

I know dwelling on how I got to the size I am is just wasted energy, there's no point feeling sad and I have to remember to channel that energy into losing the weight but it just amazes me at times. How did I end up weighing nearly 22 stone and morbidly obese? And more importantly why wasn't I able to do anything about it until now?! It seems so simple to me now and I just have this feeling that I am going to see it through. I don't want to look back in 10 years and still be morbidly obese wondering why on earth I didn't see it through now.

This journey is so full of ups and downs its crazy! I tend to vent on here otherwise I think I might just drive myself or my family insane with it all. Of course its well worth all the effort!

On a boring note I'm having a good week so far, although yesterday I went 14pts under my daily points by accident. I was really busy getting ready and getting the kids to bed before I went to the theatre I just didn't get a chance to have a proper meal. I ended up having some toast which meant I wasn't hungry just under my points. I figured I'd use some of them there or when I got home but we didn't get snacks there and I didn't get in until 11.30! I'm really not an advocate of going under the daily points as I feel they really are the minimum I should be eating given my size but this was purely an accident so guess I may as well move on. My main worry is my body thinking I'm not getting enough and holding onto energy so I started today with a nice breakfast full of lean protein and a few more points than usual doing it. I think I might use some weekly points and have a higher day today but I'll just see how I feel.

Here's hoping my good week continues x

Really positive day

I took my two boys to a soft play centre today and it turned out to be a very positive experience for me in the weight loss achievement sense. I was amazed at how much energy I had and how light my body felt. I was literally bombing round the soft play with them. Its quite a workout going round the big section with them but I actually enjoyed the exercise and was totally in the moment.

That was the other thing I noticed was my confidence, I was enjoying the moment so much with my kids I didn't even stop to feel self conscious. I wasn't worrying what the other parents were thinking or if I'd fit through that gap. It just felt great to be myself and not worrying if others were judging me!

I bought myself some leggings yesterday which I paired up with one of my new dresses today and I realised in the car on the way back I loved what I was wearing. So? I hear you ask that's normal to have clothes you love right? Not for me! Most of my wardrobe is either boring, practical and makes me feel about 10yrs older than I am. I basically wear jeans and tunic style tops most of the time. I have alot of tops I'm not even sure I like. Basically I very rarely if ever leave the house wearing clothes that I love but today I am! I don't want to take my dress off it makes me feel so confident but is comfortable to. I finally feel like I have some flattering clothes and it feels like one hell of a victory!

Going shopping this week made me realise just how much I'd given up of clothes and my appearance. It feels great to be finding out I can look nice and feel good about myself.

So all round positive day, I'm in a fantastic mood and have so much energy I've barely stopped today :D

Pictures - 2 stone down!

So this picture is of me at the start 21st 2lbs, then 19.5lbs lost and now 29lbs lost weighing 19st 1lb! I really think I can see the difference and the best bit is the dress I'm wearing in the now photo is the dress I wore to my Mum's wedding 2 years ago. It is tight but I can do it all the way up and could wear it (with a better bra maybe my boobs look like they are trying to escape!). It's a size 22 which feels like a big achievement for me as the start of being able to shop in 'normal' shops again. Already bought two new dresses from the John Rocha range at Debenhams both in size 22 and they fit lovely. That means I've dropped from a size 28/30 bottoms to size 24/26 and top half 26 start size and 22 now. A whole 2 dresses in 12 weeks, I am one happy bunny right now. I keep thinking if it feels this good dropping dress size at my current size what will size 12/14 feel like?? 

Cherish what makes you who you are

I struggle with this. I always want to be the person people want me to be and I taken any criticism personally. As a result I am so socially awkward and I never feel like I fit in.

My Husband and I had a long chat about this last night because I seem to get told by family that I said or did the wrong thing alot, or it seems that way to me. I spend so long dwelling on the things I've done or said to try and prevent hurting anyone or saying the wrong thing. Somehow I still get criticism despite this crazy level of anxiety over social situations!

I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop trying so hard to be someone I'm not and just be myself. "do what's right in your heart because you'll be criticised regardless". So I need to be true to myself and who I am not what I think will make other people like me.

I know in my heart I do not act out of spite or with a genuine need to hurt people, I do not go out of my way to mean or hurtful. I don't feel like I'm a bad person.

So I am going to cherish the fact that I am honest, struggle to join in with being fake and don't fit in. I think for me fitting in means being someone I'm not!