Awol

I went a bit awol the last 3 and a half weeks. I haven't weighed in that time and certainly haven't stuck to the plan. In fact I'd describe my behaviour in the last few weeks as going into self destruct mode. I have been binging at every given opportunity and using food for comfort. I know I've been doing it and I know there are consequences but I just haven't felt the inclination to stop.

I think I've finally come to my senses and realised that while having the freedom to eat what I want whenever I want brings me some level of comfort it is very much short lived. All I'm left with is my clothes feeling tighter and a heap of guilt. It just makes me feel even more out of control when I'm out of control with food. So despite how difficult things are right now I cannot keep using it as an excuse for destructive behaviour.

I'm not about to list a whole bunch of excuses for the last 3 weeks because its not going to help get me back on track. Life is difficult and relocating was never going to be easy, I have the choice to let it make me anxious and stressed or take one day at a time. Its daunting when I think about it all at once but we don't have to do it all at once so I need to stop stressing about the whole task. Its ironic because its the problem I have when it comes to losing weight, I'm so daunted by how much I have to lose it puts me off. I need to take things one step at a time and stop stressing about the whole journey.

Anyway the most important thing is I have planned my food for today, I'm tracking and I feel motivated to stick to it. I'm not going back to meetings at the moment as I don't feel the scale is helping me that much right now. I've been getting far to caught up in the number instead of focusing on sticking to the plan. Ultimately the scales don't help me lose the weight, only sticking to the plan and exercising actually help me lose weight. What I need to focus on is doing everything I can each day to help me lose weight, not whether the scales have reflected that I've been doing all I can. Basically this whole being off track for the last few weeks was prompted by a stay the same that I felt should have been a loss. If a number on the scale can throw me off track so easily I need to get back into the swing of things before I start weighing every week. I think I'm going to weigh myself today and then I'm not going to weigh for a month. Over the the next month I'm going to focus on sticking to it because I want to not because of the reward I get from seeing the numbers drop.

I'm back and I'm going to all I can to stay in control.

Choices

Alot of reading I've been doing to help keep my weight loss momentum has raised the issue of my previous on plan/off plan mentality. I was either on a diet or binge eating, there was no in-between I was either eating 'good' food or 'bad' food. If I'm honest its this black and white thinking that leads me back to the weight watchers plan, I need structure. If I don't have a structure to measure my success I lose motivation. I have such high expectations of myself its part of the self hate cycle. I never meet my own expectations so I am constantly anxious about not meeting other peoples expectations of me too. In reality my expectations are set way too high. Nobody is perfect and I certainly don't think its achievable to aim for perfection when it comes to losing weight. I don't need to eat perfectly 'on plan' all the time to lose weight and what I really need to do is break the habit of labelling food as good or bad.

Food is just food, its neither good or bad. Some food might have better health benefits and some in large quantities would lead to poor health. My aim is to get out of the habit of good or bad and accept that regardless of the food I made a choice to eat it. Sometimes I will make good choices that will help me lose weight and sometimes I will make poor choices, I am human it is inevitable that I will make a poor choice from time to time.

I made a poor choice today. I decided to bake the chocolate cookies that my husband wanted me to bake and it just resulted in me picking at chocolate as I was cooking then managing to eat 3 of the cookies once they were baked. It's been one of the few poor choices I've made this week but in a bid to not let this spiral I tracked all the picking and cookie eating. It means I have very few daily points left so have changed the planned meal for a lower points meal for dinner. Basically I haven't buried my head in the sand and let one poor choice become a string of poor choices.

I sat here feeling like a failure for a little while before I reminded myself that it was a choice to eat what I ate and the only person judging me for that choice is me. If I just accept that it happened I can actually do something about it rather than letting it become a full blown binge.

If I can only get this lesson through my head I will be a happier person all round. I am not perfect but you know what that's ok because its only me who thinks I should be!


P.S. The cookies are 3pp each which for a triple chocolate cookies is a good deal in my opinion, just not when you eat 3 of them in one morning!

Still snowing

Its still snowing over here in Norfolk which my 3yr old is loving! The photo is of our back garden I think it looks beautiful when its all covered in snow, such a nice sight to wake up to in the morning. I'm actually hoping the snow will stop until later today as my Husband has left for an interview over 2hrs drive away and I'm a little worried about him driving in the snow. Keeping my fingers crossed that he has a safe journey.

On the weight watchers front I'm feeling much better and my motivation is up again. I managed a day just using daily points yesterday and got today all planned out. I also baked blueberry muffins for just 3pp each and Cheese, leek & onion pasties for 7pp each. It helps me alot having homemade food for lunches and treats as I feel like I get so much more for my points. Now I'm just hoping that I'll actually be able to get to meetings next Wednesday.

I really think the blip I had was mostly hormone related, my moods have been all over the place and I just haven't felt like myself the last week. Its so nice to feel calm and in control again, my poor family have put up with me being grumpy for a week now. Guess I'll have to make up for it with fun out in the snow! The truth is I'm a big kid and had so much fun building a snowman with the kids the other day, so I'm as excited to go out in the snow as the kids are! Now there is fresh snow I'm thinking our snowman needs a friend!

Snow weigh in tonight!

The snow is still pretty bad over in Norfolk so we decided it was best to leave going to weigh in tonight as its a non essential journey so not worth the risk. Also seems like a lot of effort to make when we wouldn't want to stay for the meeting so I won't know what the damage of my blips this week will have caused but in all honesty I'm pleased with that. I know that missing a weigh in will not mean I give up but really glad to not see another gain. It has given me the drive to continue and get myself back on track.

After losing it last Thursday night I managed to get back on track and stick to just daily points from Saturday through to Monday then I lost it again last night. I think I put a bit too much pressure on myself to stick to just daily points as I knew I was in negative points for the week. Its not helped that I've been having a pretty awful time of the month with mood swings that have lasted about a week now and alot of cramps. I've been feeling sorry for myself and turned to food. I could see myself doing it, I knew it wasn't going to solve my problems it was just a quick fix but I just didn't resist enough.

The biggest mistake is I've let the poor eating continue into today as well so I've been completely off track today too. I think having weigh in hanging over me and the thought of seeing yet another gain just meant I've been a bit down today so despite the best of intentions this morning I carried on eating junk today too.

All I know is I will be getting back on track tomorrow and considering this a little blip. I believe that by next Wednesday I can have lost weight so got to give this week my all and keep my fingers crossed for a loss. I just don't want to see the number go up I was so pleased to get back to 35lbs lost last week.

A blip

I've been doing so well for over two weeks now, not even really been struggling or finding it much of a battle. Before Christmas it felt like everyday was a battle of wills me vs food, food won most of the time. I really turned a corner after Christmas and it was going so well.

Then yesterday I felt a bit down, couldn't really put my finger on why I just felt a bit down. I got right through the day until my husband came home with a Chinese after driving the four hours to get home, I don't blame him for bringing the food in but I probably shouldn't have had any. So I pointed it, it cost me half my weeklies but I pointed it and moved on. Or so I thought. Anyway tonight I had another blip and once again I can't really put my finger on why. I paid for it though, half an hour after eating too much I ended up with a very bloated tummy, bringing on an ibs attack and being sick. Not fun. You'd think it would teach me and yet there will come a time in the future where I'll have another binge and annoy my tummy so much I end up in pain. My body simply can't handle rich foods any more and I really need to learn that.

I'm now wondering if all this is hormone related because I honestly cannot for the life of me place where the urge to binge has come from. Well no point dwelling on it, I'm pretty sure I'm not over my weekly points yet but haven't had dinner.

So rather than dwell I've cooked the planned meal in the hope that at the very least I can reduce the damage. I think if I hadn't cooked there was a chance I would have wanted to order food in which could just end in a week off track. I've taken control, I'm going to draw my line start fresh tomorrow and hope four days sticking to just my daily points will be enough to secure a loss. I can't let a little blip end my hopes of losing and throw me off track.

Its not about falling its about learning to get back up and this is me getting back up. I'm pretty sure I'll fall down again but the more I learn to get back up again the easier it will be, in theory!

Weigh in

Pleased to say 4lbs off!

That means I've got my 5th silver seven again! If I lost 1lb more I will be the lowest weight I've been since starting this journey and will feel like I'm making progress again.

First 2013 weigh in!

I lost 3.5lbs!!!!!! Oh my goodness me I was a happy bunny last night!

Its not even like I deprived myself over Christmas I had a week off track but straight back to tracking on 27th and apparently it has really paid off! Not only did I lose but I'm back in the 18's again at 18st 13lbs!

I really feel like I've turned a corner and such a great result at weigh in has only added to that. I've planned all my meals today and I will be being as organised as possible to really help have yet another fantastic week xx