Not a Character trait

I have not known what it is to be slim in my adult life and even before I actually had a weight problem I believed I was fat. I've felt fat then been fat for so long its difficult to remember that it not a character trait. Fat is not part of my personality so why does it it become the only thing I can focus on when I think about who I am as a person. Its almost become like my protection to be fat, I don't get any attention for my looks except bad attention. I don't have to worry that people are flirting with me and so on.

I have early memories from primary school of between maybe 6-8 years old and thinking I couldn't do handstands because I was fat and that no boys chased me when playing tag because I was fat. I look back at pictures and I see a normal child, but under the surface I was already self conscious and constantly compared myself to my cousin who was the same age but she was naturally very skinny as a child. It saddens me to think how early in life all this started and that I felt fat long before I actually had a weight problem.

I only started to gain weight to the point of it becoming a problem about age 13-14. I didn't become properly obese until my Nanny & Grandad passed away in a very short space of time,  I left home, I grieved and without my Mum controlling what I was eating to an extent I piled the weight on reaching my highest weight of 21st 10lbs at age 19.

I've spent 6 years being morbidly obese and I'm ready to find out what life is like without a weight problem. What's it like dealing with all the ups and downs of life without worrying that they've all been caused or made worse by me being fat. Learning that 'fat' is not part of who I am is going to take alot of practise, I think my mind will take alot longer to adjust to the changes than my body will.

I'm so curious to know what slim feels like, in a way it still feels like some kind of impossible dream. I guess I still doubt myself, I've got to start believing that I will succeed no matter what if I ever want to know who I am underneath the weight.